Do Not Disturb: A Modest Proposal

While I applaud legislation aimed at curbing spam and unsolicited phone calls, these laws don't go far enough in preventing the unwanted intrusion into our private lives. Salesmen, charities, the homeless, and worse yet, politicians can accost us in our home, on the street, and in many other public arenas. To close the loopholes in current legislation I suggest the institution of a National Do Not Disturb List. Here's how it would work.

First, anyone that wanted to would sign up to be on the list. Once on the list, no one could disturb you for any reason unless you gave them permission too. First time violators would get a stern warning from someone really big. Continues violations would result in escalating action ranging from a form letter from an attorney's office to prison time for the most egregious offenders.

There are a few problems to work out like how to identify someone on the list without violating the law to begin with. I'm thinking lapel pins, RFID tags, and V-Chip like devices built into our phones but I need to do some more research. Also, I have to work out a list of people that could approach other people without permission (like cops, or firefighters). When I've worked out these problems, I'll contact you by knocking on your door, sending you an e-mail, calling you at home, or having you sign my petition when you leave the store.

Is Green Tea Bad For Your Health?

So, I'm on vacation with my wife and Oprah comes on. Now I normally don't watch Oprah but my wife is watching so I watch. Anyway, this doctor comes on touting his new book and an anti-inflammatory diet. I become interested because I'm inflamed now and then, so I listen. So this doctor says a lot of stuff but the thing that I found really interesting was his claim that you could lose ten pounds in six weeks just by switching from coffee to green tea. Since I could stand to lose ten pounds, give or take fifty pounds, I decide to give it a try.

The Sunday we get back from vacation I get some green tea and Monday I start my bold experiment. Monday went okay, a little shaky, but okay. Tuesday started out okay, got up after a good nights rest, made some tea, and sat down. Just as I put the cup to my lips, the glass shatters, spilling hot tea on my belly and thigh (thankfully, Mr. Winks was spared). I soak myself in cold water then take a quick trip to the ER (thanks to Joni, Diane, Alan, Paul, and Ernest-in order of appearance) with some frozen stawberries (why didn't I pick the frozen peas?) duct taped to by abdomen and buttocks. Got an IV, tetanus, antibiotics, some pain killers, and a couple of days off work.

This proves that green tea is bad for you. If I'd been drinking coffee, I would never have been burned. Why? Because coffee is made in a coffee maker and it never gets boiling hot. I've spilled coffee in my lap before and it never necessitated a trip to the emergency room. So don't drink green tea. It's evil.

On the other hand, it did get me two days off work. Work or first and second degree burns? I think I'll make myself a spot of tea.

Four Fundamental Laws of Technology

I have formulated the Four Fundamental Laws of Technology over the last few decades. These laws are based on my own research which I financed myself. They should guide how you view technology now and in the future. The Four Fundamental Laws of Technology are:

• When a technology is first introduced it will be crappy and expensive.
  
• As the technology improves, the price will drop.
  
• When the technology is at or near perfection, the technology will become affordable.
  
• When the technology becomes affordable it will soon be obsolete.

Based on my own research and personal experience these laws are true for every type of consumer electronic equipment that has been made in the last 100 years. Take the VCR for example. In the late 1980's you could get a low-end VCR for around $500. Single head, wired remote and push button channel changer. Now you can buy an all digital model, 4-head, hi-fi, VCR with wireless remote for well under $100. Better picture quality, better sound, and much cheaper that in years gone by(proving the first three laws). Of course now that DVD are common place the VCR is nearly obsolete (proving the last law).

The only solace I take in sharing these laws with you is that's my brother-in-law just paid three grand for a 42-inch plasma TV. I can't wait until next year.

Life In The Fast Lane

My daily commute takes me from a sleepy hamlet in the Southern end of Ventura County to the Northern tip of Los Angeles. This thirty-mile (one way) journey to work has become increasingly difficult and time consuming in part because of a increase in population but also due to the increased number of drivers that are not clear on the rules of the road. Let me educate you: THE FAST LANE IS FOR GOING FAST! While there are some of you are saying “duh” be assured that there are many drivers that are unaware of this simple fact. Just in case you are still unclear as to whether or not you and your car belong in the fast lane, here are a few clues that suggest the fast lane may not be right for you:

• Your car was built during the Eisenhower administration

• Your car came with an eight-track as standard equipment

• Your car was built in the in the former Czech Republic

• You car has less than or equal to three cylinders

• You plan on going less that or equal to the legal speed limit

• You plan on making or receiving a lengthy, complex, and emotionally draining cell phone call

• You're eating your breakfast or putting on make-up

• You have a “Stay Alive, It's 55” or “Keep on Truckin' “ bump sticker on you car

• You wear corrective lens and still can't see the “E” on the eye chart

Other less obvious clues would include that people are passing you on your right, you speedometer indicates you are going less than 65 mph, or the you keep hearing a beeping sound or see flashing lights behind you.

In any case, if you're not planning on keeping pace with the rest of us, move over one lane huh? If you do, you'll be making the the people in the eighteen cars behind you very happy.

Thanks for your support!

Welcome To My Rants!

Dear Bloggiary:

Today I've decided to become a blogger. I figure everyone else in this wide word has a blog so why not me. Now all I have to do is find something to write about and then I can take over the world!!!